Coming Clean

When I told you that I loved you, I lied.
When I told you that I was happy, I cried.
But everytime that I said a lie to you,
You took me at my word and believed me.

I wondered if you were thoughtless, if you cared,
I wondered if you were neglectful, if you dared
To question anything I ever said
To question me before I was dead.

When I told you I was victorious, I failed.
When I told you I was fixed, I broke.
But everytime that I said a lie to you,
You believed every word that I ever said out loud.

I wanted you to believe me, but I wanted you to care,
I wanted someone to pay attention, someone to dare
To ask me why there were cuts across my arm,
To ask me why I caused myself harm.

When I told you I was healed, I bled.
When I told you I was fine, I wasn’t.
But everytime I said a lie to you,
You just shrugged and took it as the truth.

I wrote you a letter to forgive you for believing in me,
I wrote you a letter to ask you to finally see
That all the tears I cried were not because of you
And your misplaced guilt doesn’t make your feelings true.

When I told you I was awake, I slept.
When I told you I was alive, I was dying.
But everytime I said to a lie to you,
You pretended not to see through me.

I ask for you to just leave me be,
And I ask for you to tell me that you see
That I was never the girl you wanted me to truly be
And that all I ever could have been was me.

When I told you I was lying, I lied.
When I told you I was smiling, I frowned.
But everytime I said a lie to you,
I was trying to protect you because I cared.

Written January 5 2008 – tentatively titled “a lie: to you”.